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Narritive About My Decision Essay, Research Paper

Narrative About My Decision

I?m about to take you into my own little world where I am king, where my regard for other human existence is futile to say the least. A world where time stands still and the use of words is hard. I don?t know how I?m about to do this because I remember in action not standard vocabulary. It must be kept in mind that this was a difficult time period of life, with my grandmother being sick and my girlfriend trying to pressure me into many things including marriage. Mostly because of the three simple words that many people use but have many different meanings. I told her I loved her because I did and she told me she loved me because she didn?t know the difference. She used strong words that did not mean a thing, especially because of these days of our lives.

I?m sorry I have to do this to you but the background is as important as the inevitable result. I started to talk to a girl named Holly in my first few putrid months at that horribly exhausted school fondly referred to by its teaching staff as Archbishop Wood High School. At first she was just a beautiful face to gaze at in class. But then I asked her, on that first day of November, the time of day. Little to my realization I had a shining silver watch on and nothing covering it. This made me look like a circus clown juggling dumb-ass pins and standing on my head. But it was my in, my way to break the ice. She laughed and turned back around to listen to the monotonous ramblings of Mr. Krantz and trying not to feel my irreverent gazing. It worked-the line that is. She stopped me outside the classroom and began to say things I?m going to revel in for a moment. She told me that it was ten after nine. All the while my heart was pounding like I was winning in the last hundred meters of the Boston marathon. Every breath I took was labored beyond belief, but I hid it and I hid it well. She leaned close to me and began to whisper softly into my ear. Every word more exciting, every word more tantalizing, every word was like a beautiful symphony repeating. She spoke to me like she had known all along that I had been gazing, like she had the sixth sense that I was so afraid of. She said in that gentle whispering wind that she, the girl I adored for the past few months, liked it when I stared. She couldn?t have been happier that I did. Then She did something I never expected, not in my whole lifetime will I ever forget this moment?she leaned into me with the all of the grace her mother endowed upon her and kissed my left cheek. So many things raced through my mind that I couldn?t pick a single word to utter. She knew that to. Some how she understood me, she heard my mind. She read my expression and knew what to say??Don?t speak now, wait ?till tomorrow.?

Wait I did. I asked to use the bathroom the next day in homeroom with a mere five minutes left. I was able to go. I sprinted with an intensity I had not encountered yet, even in cross-country. I made it there in what seemed to be a millisecond and I waited. I looked around like an agent for the president in thorough despair. It seemed like I would never see her again and then BOOM! Her presence hit me like a speeding stone truck. I turned around and there she was. I knew exactly where-inexplicably-but I knew. I could feel her mind much closer to my heart than it really was and I knew. It was a feeling that I had never known before and I will never feel again because her love is dead and I?m the cause.

We traveled through our freshman year connected at the hand. We never left each other?s side, it was just forming then. By the time I knew it was the summertime and I told her. I told her those three simple words and it changed every moment of our lives thereafter.

Our summer was great. The heat was unbearable during most days but I was driven over to her house every single day. We ran her neighborhood loops together and bore the unbearable heat; she was gorgeous in the sun. She even sweat beautifully. She ran next to me with the same endowed grace as she kissed me. She drove my mind into whirling cyclones and made me want to fall over from the radiance of her body, mind, and soul. We would stretch in her front yard before and after we ran for time allotments that depended on how quickly I made her run. The beautiful body that belonged to my girl stopped cars from driving, she turned even jealous female heads. Her skin tanned perfectly, no tan lines at all. She was comfortable with her body to the extent of tanning naked on her pool deck. This naturally drew attention to her and I would ask if I could tan with her as the neighbors would drool like dogs when shown steak out their windows. After tanning for some time we would skinny dip as though it was the only way to swim legally. I?d usually bitch out first and get all of my clothes back on first. I never got even remotely used to or tired of seeing her goddess body come out of the water all slick and dripping like an ice cream cone in hell. As you can imagine her parents both worked, her younger brother was put in a *censored* hole of a camp, and her eldest brother was on the Drexel co-op program. This meant opportunities galore. We would go get a sandwich and a coke or something else to the same effect. The sandwiches I received that summer were art. She?d spend ten or fifteen minuets just on my usual ham, turkey, mayo, and lettuce entr?e. She strategically placed every piece of food on delicious potato bread slices, she entertained my stomach before I would entertain her in my own ways the are not appropriate for even a trashy romance novel let alone an introductory college course. After we finished up our appropriate business we would go to her backyard and bake out her shed. This is what drove me to the break point that I will give explicit detail about at a later point in this story. When this activity was competed we would continue our personal quest to what we thought was a nirvana of sorts, a nirvana so sweet that neither of us thought was really driven by her selfish nature and cruel inner core.

I went through sophomore year smoking pot so often that it became a true rarity that I was ever found down. I would take a dark path filled with leaves of every color and trees of every shape until I found her in the solitude of the woods behind school. We would pull out our professional?s piece of pot smoking equipment- a bowl that had a shotgun hole in such a natural position that you couldn?t tell it was even there. Made out of marble, it resembled a reddish orange snake sticking out of your mouth when you hit from it. A piece that cost us both a combined effort of thirty-five dollars, it hit like a heavyweight boxer. The smell of residue could be easily detected from twenty feet away no matter how many times it was washed. Used twice in the morning before school everyday this bowl became a third party in our relationship. It was my turn to keep him (Mr. Reds was his name) after the first round of smoking in the morning. I would crash like a value jet plane in Florida around nine-thirty. This would prompt me to go to the first bathroom on the second floor. Deemed by the students as the smoking bathroom, it was just that. The only time this particular bathroom didn?t have a haze of smoke lining the ceiling was during the evening when the janitors would unwillingly open the doors to it and start the cleaning process. After two or three bowls of those sweet green buds drawn only from the finest plants of the south, I?d return to class high as *censored* once again. On went our saga. As class would end she would come from her class down the hall. Her long beautiful black hair would shake from side to side in sweet harmonious symphony as every breath I took became harder and harder. She was still the most beautiful creature I?d ever seen in my life. I could still see her walk down the hallway now if I so chose because that image will be printed in my mind forever. I?d pass the bowl off to her in the front of all who were present, even teachers. One day as I passed Mr. Reds to her hand she told me she had big news. This made me sweat?for I did not know what to expect. She grabbed me and hugged me as though I had enlisted into the Marines and she was not going to see me until I came home from my four-year tour. She told me she had made the internationally competing, under eighteen, United States soccer team. At first I was really happy for her but this would change very soon.

As my Holly trained more and more I became aware of changes in her attitude and her self image. She became a legend to herself and I got second place in her world. This I was not used to. She was always first to be attended to by me and it was the same for me. She always asked me if I wanted something to drink or eat. She started to tell me to get her this or that. It wasn?t usually anything big but I didn?t work so I didn?t have much money for material items. She stopped worrying about me all together but I didn?t realize it. One day as I walked through the woods, I noticed something was different about the beautiful trees that morning. It was the first time that she didn?t stop me as I went through them. I figured she was late so I didn?t worry. I traveled my way back into the woods so as to make sure she hadn?t shown up and I was sadly disappointed. I smoked a little extra that day and became late for school. This was one of the worst highs I?ve ever had. I must have debated going to school that day about as many times as I had contemplated the after life. I finally went in after serious deliberations with a high mind, which automatically makes it a bad decision. Eventually, I worked up the best lie I could mumble out to the disciplinarian and got a late pass to get into my first period. It took some twenty minutes or so to get to my class and immediately my teacher knew something was up. He told me to stay in the classroom while everyone else left. He took me by the arm and said that if I ever came into his class high again that he would kick my ass in front of the entire class. I was very disturbed about this and I could not wait to talk too her and see her lovely face. She, for some odd reason, was not too happy to see me and sort of brushed me off. I called to her but she turned her head like I was just some kid on the street. This began our falling. As her practices intensified even more she smoked with me less and less until she finally told me that she could only fire it up once a week. That was all right with me and it had to be ?cause I defiantly didn?t own this girl.

She finally went away to Sweden in July after our sophomore year and that was a heartbreaking goodbye. I saw her the day she was leaving and I wanted her to remember what she had at home waiting ever so patiently at home for her. I was like a starving dog on the streets waiting for a hand out and all I received was just one phone call in a month?s time. No post cards, no letters, and one phone call: I knew something was up. She came back and pretended like I shouldn?t be angry, like I should be a robot and have no emotion. This drew up fury in me as passionate as the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. I went to town on her ass. She said she didn?t know she was doing all of this to me. On went the falling out. I put my heart out on a limb for the first tine ever and she stomped on it like I now do to worms.

Holly?s best friend also happened to be one of mine as well. She came to me and told me something I probably don?t have to say but here goes? Ray she hasn?t been smoking less, She hasn?t been ignoring you either, Ray she?s been cheating on you. My mind raced into a more confused state than when she first kissed me. She didn?t love me. She probably doesn?t even care. Who the *censored* is this kid, I?m going to tear him to pieces. Kelley reluctantly told me who it was and, needless to say, I made him look a lot less pretty than she thought he was before. She flipped out on me and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. I told her and to this day she denies it.

I looked at her perfect face one last time at graduation and knew that I once had something special with her and now it?s gone. All my fault for not listening to her. She didn?t cheat on me. And now I feel like the unluckiest man in the world. And it?s all my fault. Her love for me and the rest of the world died that day?right along with my soul.

Raymond Matlack

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