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The Problem With American Society Essay, Research Paper

I have recently noticed that everyone in our society has become soft. We’ve grown used to frills. Fast food, easy women, living with our parents (*wink* Kevin), not to mention a liberal in the White House (could things be any easier?). Sure, sure, these things are great for most, but none of these things are to blame for what has made our civilization so ill.

I believe, that the one thing responsible for our weakness, can be nothing but double-ply toilet paper. That’s right! 2-ply tp is to blame for all of our problems.

I first came to this realization on this very day, while sitting on the can. Relaxing there, I suddenly remembered that I had an essay to write for class, so I’d better get the show on the road. Reaching for the TP, I instead found a 2-ply roll of flower covered softness (my roommate put it there, I do know that some people have no choice about matters like that cuz other people buy that stuff for ‘em)(*wink* Kevin). “This is not a real man’s TP! Real TP should be hard and scratchy!” were the words coming from my mouth as I rolled the paper (over hand, just like a real man). This, however, has nothing to do with the point of my little discussion.

Back to basics here. I’d like to take a bit of your time and focus on what a bunch of softies we’ve become, but I don’t really have to. I think that the results of cushy TP are obvious. I’ll even give a few examples:

Football pads

In the old days, men hurt themselves,

and were proud of it.

Car shocks

Aren’t soft seats enough?


So people sleep on the ground.

Look how tough Crocodile Dundee was.

Office chairs

If you’ve been sitting in a hard chair so

long your ass hurts, then you’re not working

fast enough.

Any processor over 33 Mhz

Do you have any idea what a P200 costs?

Police protection

Isn’t the right to bear arms all we

really need? I know it is for me.

Mineral water

I’m not saying anything else about that one.

Protective cups (for sports and crap)

A good whack in the balls will keep you alert.

ABC programming

Too many sitcoms is a bad sign (excluding Roseanne,

Married with Children, and The Simpsons)

America On-Line


Chrysler Mini-Vans

A pure example of softness.

PC Banking

How lazy can we get?

Cotton briefs

Just a little too much support.

Sanitation workers

If we were truly independant, we’d burn our trash

in the backyard.

I can go on and on about this, but I think you get the idea. We need to become a people who can take care of ourselves. Our great-grandparents didn’t have 2-ply TP. In fact, they probably used their fingers, newspaper, or perhaps a picture of the current president (that’s tempting, even today). Davy Crockett didn’t have 2-ply TP. When he had something like that to take care of, he’d kill bears and wipe his arse with the the fur. What the hell do you think Tibetan nomads wipe themselves with (man, that’s a disturbing thought)? Would Ghandi have approved of someone killing a tree so he could rub his backside with it? For that matter, would you have someone kill a tree so you could stick it between your cheeks?

I don’t think I need to say anymore on the subject. I’ve made my point very clear. That we’ve become just as soft as the TP we wipe ourselves with.

“My dad once told me a great way to cut down on TP expenses. He said, that I should take a single sheet of TP, put my finger through the middle of it, then clean myself with my finger, using the paper as a shield for my knuckles. Then I just wipe my finger clean with the piece of paper, toss it in the can, and be on my way.”

-Charles W. Polk

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it took all of 10 minutes to write.

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