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Forbidden Thoughts Essay, Research Paper

Why? That?s all I have to ask, why. Why is it that there are people in this world who take advantage of their good fortune and keep it to themselves while others like me suffer in the cold dark world fighting off evil in their minds? Many people can?t take this kind of pressure, especially us teenagers. We have to deal with so many things that sometimes you lose track and everything goes haywire, and eventually, so do we. Most teenagers have this kind of experience, those who don?t are lucky. No body wants to encounter the evil that resides in the corners of their head, because they might find themselves following its cynical ideas like a mesmerized sailor to the melody of a Siren?s song. It usually ends up in a dirty situation, mine was especially dirty.

It all began on a Tuesday morning. Everything was going wrong. I?d failed my mid-terms, got caught smoking in the bathroom, and got suspended. To make things worse, my mom was on the way to pick me up. As I was sitting there in the office, everyone who passed me either threw me a look of hatred or just plain ignored me. I could care less, my mind was elsewhere. I was trying to think of what to tell my mom, I didn?t know if she could take another upset. Did you ever feel like you feel you were trying but everyone else say otherwise and you start to believe them? Yeah, well that?s how I feel now. Except I know I?m not trying but I tell myself that I am. Sorry if it?s a bit confusing, but that is how my life is. Anyway, back to what I was saying. My mom came in and signed me out on that little friggin? form and we walked out with her in front. We got in the car and started on our way home, not saying anything to each other the whole time. The silence was driving me crazy, but I didn?t dare break it. Finally she did, but her voice was cracked and a different message to it. Apparently she was fired from her job, again. I knew the reason too; she was always late because she had to take care of my brothers and sisters. It was my job and I could care less about them, they could burn in Hell for all I cared. All they did was whine and take up space. This news was all I could stand, I told her to stop the car. I got out and started to walk home. She made no effort to stop me. On the walk, I started thinking, about a lot of things really. School, my teachers, the hot bitch who sat in front of me, and unintentionally I thought of my Dad. The thought of him made my blood boil. He?d left my mother when I was three because I was too much trouble. That stupid prick! Since then I felt something missing in my life because there was no permanent father figure in the family, just those damn drunks that Mom brought home. There was no one to teach me how to ride a bike, or to play catch with, or to talk to. I felt like he left me just like he left Mom. I looked up and saw that the house was in front of me and I walked though the door. The usual smell of dog hair, dirty laundry, and urine filled the atmosphere and my lungs. After my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, I found myself face to face with my four siblings. They had empty stomachs and teary eyes because they were so hungry. I then realized that the reason they were hungry was my fault. If I had just taken care of them a bit, Mom would still have a job and we?d be okay. A wave of anger spread over me like a wildfire and I pushed over my little sister and ran into my room. I locked the door and just collapsed on the bed cry and beating my pillow as if it would help. After I calmed down, I began to think again. If I wasn?t around, then my family wouldn?t have to suffer the consequences of my mistakes. Everyone would be better off without me. It was settled, I would find a way to rid my family of my problems. I thought of reforming my ways but I was just plain too lazy to do so. I decided to take the easy way out, suicide. I know it was the wrong thing to think of but let me tell you something; too much thought is bad, especially in this situation.

Throughout the rest of the day, I wanted to think of ways to bring forth my demise. At first I wanted to cut my wrists but we didn?t have any silverware. Then I wanted to drown myself in the creek out back but it was too shallow. I thought of electrocution but we had no power since the bills weren?t paid. Just when I was about to give up, I saw a rope next to the house. Yeah, you know what I was thinking. It seemed long enough and strong enough and we had plenty of trees so I decided to go for it. I stayed awake at night until everyone fell asleep. After I heard Mom?s last crying moans, I jumped out of bed and out the back door, trying not to wake anyone up.

I made my way through the darkened forest in our backyard and made my way to the tallest tree near the back of the pack. I slung the rope around my shoulder and began to climb. I got to the biggest branch and stood up. I saw a whole landscape of lights and houses. I used to come up here whenever I got tired of my life and watched other people go through theirs. I thrust my shoulder forward and caught the rope in my hand. I tied one end to the thickest part of the branch and the other I slipped around my neck. I took one last glance at my house as if it was going to stop me and then the house began to move skyward and I realized I had jumped. Suddenly there was a sharp snap, and then an excruciating pain went through my neck. I had done it I thought, I?m dead, but I felt the moist grass underneath me. I opened my eyes and saw I was on the ground. I rolled over and saw that the branch I had tied the rope to had snapped and fallen on me. ?Stupid?, I muttered to myself. As I got up to try again, I saw a light. Not the house light or the headlights of a car, but a light inside of me. I hadn?t died because I wasn?t supposed to. I was still needed here. With that, I limped back to my bed and fell asleep knowing that morning, everything would be different.

*Sigh*

Wouldn?t it be great if it was a happy ending like that? Guess what? Welcome to reality! Do you really think I would stop right then and there and turn over a new leaf? Hell no! Now that I said that, you probably know what happened then. If you don?t, then I?ll tell ya. After I had climbed the tree, I took the rope and tied it to the branch and flung it over the branch above me as a safety. So if one broke, the other would still do the trick. Then, instead of doing any of that dramatic crap I just jumped. I felt the rough rope dig into my neck and isolating my lungs from the air around me. Then, everything started to go black, it just faded. All the worlds? darkness filled my surroundings and it blended with the darkness inside of me and then, I never woke up.

32c


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